Oh hiyaaa, been a while. The sun is out today and I’m trying to get my mojo back. This is usually where I turn to for that so excuse me whilst I ramble. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a draft about how I was feeling about lockdown 3.0 – it was pretty miserable to be honest with you and I lost enthusiasm for it half way through and never posted it. Don’t get me wrong, some days still feel pretty miserable but I feel good today. After last night’s announcement in the UK, the world feels a little more positive which I think has rubbed off on me. I still feel a little doubtful, too worried about being let down again and actually, I’m a little bit anxious about returning back to normality, but the fact that we can all see an end to all of this, feels good today. I opened the curtains to see the sun, got dressed in actual clothes rather than living in my dressing gown and felt ready for it.
I have been super busy – with work, with uni, with card making, with keeping the house afloat, with keeping everyone else afloat, keeping myself afloat. Although I have days where I do give up and accept defeat, it’s starting to feel like everything is slowly paying off and that I’ll get there in the end. I received my second uni assignment back last week and unexpectedly, received a really high mark. I needed that, had lost all motivation. I feel daunted about the rest of my uni year as I have a shit load of work to do but I also feel so so motivated to do this. I feel okay about it all.
I wanted to note down that I’m feeling good before sharing the draft I had written a couple of weeks ago because it’s important to note that we all get up and down days. Every day right now feels pretty samey but I never feel the same. Tomorrow is another day. Which is kind of the point of this post, I guess. Here it is:
9th February 2021
For the first time in a long while, I got the urge to write this afternoon – just for the sake of it. I don’t know about you, but I’m finding lockdown 3.0, by far the hardest of them all. The novelty has worn off. I feel trapped inside a movie reel that replays the same film, every single day. I have no motivation to do any of the things that I should be doing and have little inspiration to do much else. I’ve tried, forced it out if you will, but I feel like I am running on empty.
This morning I woke up before my alarm but instead of seizing the day, I laid in the cold room for half an hour until my alarm went off and I hit snooze several times, as that is what I’m used to. I’ve started to practice positive affirmations as part of my day and so I went through this as I kept my eyes closed, thinking about the day ahead. You know? I can do this, I will achieve good things, I am positive and grateful and thankful for another day in my home, surrounded by love. I am ready. I will win tonight’s Euromillions. That sort of thing?
And some days this works. Today though, I got out of bed and already I knew that I couldn’t face it. It’s not actually the ‘doing’ things that I’m struggling with (although some days I struggle with that too) – I’ve managed to work and tick off some uni and the flat by some miracle has managed to stay tidy. It’s more the ache that I feel, the worry that if I carry on as I am, I might explode. I’ve joked a lot in the last year that my soul hurts and I didn’t realise that actually, that could be a thing.
When I picture myself in the future, I’m not sat at this desk, doing my 9-5. This isn’t what I want and it isn’t where I’ll end up, I just know it. I’m doing something creative, writing or reading, creating, brainstorming, going to events or working away and I feel inspired. I woke up today and felt so lost, bored of everything. I numbly tick through my to-do list because I know it’s what I need to do but I rarely feel anything. I just get on with it waiting for my way out. I have a plan (ish) and I’m putting all of my energy into the things that I enjoy but what do we do until then? Because coping with life lately has felt impossible.
We’ll get there, just know that. Everyday is what you make it. Work hard, think positive, accept it’s not always perfect and surround yourself with good people.
It’ll be over soon.