It’s been a while – shocker I planned a month of wonderful content and then didn’t bother writing any of it.
But not to panic, I haven’t been at work all week and returned today, smashed my to-do list and now sat with a coffee heavily procrastinating before a work night out.
It’s been a weird month and actually as far as months go, September has been one of my worst this year. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some beaut days. I’ve had some cute dinner dates, I’ve joined a gym and been a total of twice, I had a party with my best friends to celebrate my girl leaving me forever, I’ve discovered a new love for Sainsbury’s and fallen back in love with Zara, I’ve made great progress learning to cook decent meals and nailed a Chicken and Mushroom risotto. I’ve started watching Atypical on Netflix which I love anddddd I’m wearing baggy jumpers again.
LIFE IS GOOD.
But I’ve also felt really uneasy, insecure, anxious and sad.
My Nan died. Which I thought about how I’d write about it for a long time but in the end, there isn’t much I can say to make it any better. I think we spend so long almost waiting, expecting something to happen and even when it does, it still comes as this mind numbing surprise. I’ve spent the month occupied, too in a trance to really think about it – too much to organised, being so worried about everyone else. And I am okay. I said my good-byes a long time before my Nan passed away which has made it easier. I’ve cried and been sad and scared about what will come of us all now it’s actually happened but I knew she was better off, she’d fought for so long that she needed the break, to be back with my granddad. Dementia is crazy sad but looking back at what Nan’s life was before she got ill and moved in with us, has reassured me that she lived the best life. And I’ve found peace in that at least.
Now that the funeral is over, I’ve spent this week at home wondering what we’re all gonna do. I haven’t had a full week at work yet which gives me massive anxiety about going back each time. I get angry that I’m here and then panic that I don’t know what I’m going to do with the next 5 years. The struggle with money is real and how we got ourselves in this mess, I’m still unsure.
Despite it all, I’m feeling better today, more positive that things will be okay and will work out but the quicker the year goes, the more I panic about still being here this time next year and nothing would have changed. I need October to be good, to be better. I need to feel motivated and optimistic that we’ve got this.
I’ll get there.
I just wanted to check in to say I’m okay and I’ll be back very soon.